Oh, my. Dear me. 18 months later, i realize i have a lot to say and haven't posted since February! 2007! i would occasionally have an itch to write, but kept putting it off because i thought i'd have to catch up on everything. Well, that clearly ain't gonna happen. It's time to live in the now and write an inch a day. (advice from Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird)

i just got our two month old Eva back to sleep. She has taught me so many things i wish i'd known when Scout was a little baby. For example, i now know that sometimes a baby's crying is the worst to listen to right before they go to sleep. Babies don't have to nurse to sleep. i read all of these things in books when Scout was a wee one, but i simply didn't believe it.

Scout is now 2 yrs. and 7 mos. and this age is one of wonders, frustration, learning, lots of funny moments. While running the risk of public bragging, it is generally agreed upon that Scout speaks very well for his age. Yesterday, he and i we talking about train tables. i said that i wished i could find one that had toy storage underneath. i then lamented, "But i don't know where to get one like that."

Scout sensibly replied, "At the store."

Becoming a mama of two (and wow, what a label to have - i still have moments when my mind can barely comprehend that i'm a "Mother.") has challenged everything in me. The first two weeks after Eva Sage was born, i really mourned the loss of the Scout and Me unit. It had been mainly a very tight and well-functioning organism and suddenly i had another being i wanted to shower with love and attention, someone who needed me quite regularly and completely. i felt so guilty and sad for Scout that he had lost my full attention and i missed him, too.

i also wanted to go in a corner somewhere to peer at our big baby girl, Eva Sage, without having to pretend that i was interested in talking about "derailments" or feeling like i had to include Scout in every baby moment.

Scout is still nursing, too, and that previously calm and mutually beneficial relationship has drastically altered. Prolactin is a wonderful hormone except that in addition to eliciting feelings of relaxation and love, it awakens the mama bear, a protective creature programmed to focus quite fiercely on the newest cub. Even when a perceived interloper is the older cub. i was so shocked at my primal feelings of wanting to shove this suddenly enormous child off of me, for wanting not to share the abundant milk.

These feelings have some what subsided and i'm trying to be disciplined and do what takes care of me, them.

A frustrating part of parenthood is that it can take a long time to do some things. For example, i have been writing this post, simple and short as it is, for 8 hours. Between nursing, burping, playing trains, reading books, trying to get pee and poop IN the potty, feeding meals, snacks, walking a baby to sleep, cooking adult meals, etc.

i'm unsure if the above is an observation or a complaint. Probably both. i both love and am confounded by caring for two small children. i pray daily that i'll not get lost in the sometimes drudgery and rather can dwell more frequently in the joy and wonder of being the privileged recipient of these infinite treasures.

that sounds so sappy but i am sincere.

An amusing part of MotherHood is hearing the things i say in utter earnestness.

"Underwear will ALWAYS leak. It does NOT hold pee. Or poop."

"Please don't lick the aquarium."

i think this might be the end of this missive. i'll try real hard to come back soon, for my own sanity and amusement, if nothing else.