Still fueled by valentine conversation hearts... New favorites: "Go Fish" (are we playing cards?) and "Be My Hero."

So, I think that it is time for a first posting about motherhood. This weekend I went to visit my sister, Taylor, who lives in Tuscaloosa. She and her husband, Matt, have a son born 2 1/2 weeks after Scout, Cullen. He's a doll baby.

What I have been thinking a lot about after this visit is how a mother is her child's ambassador. How everyone looks to the mom to explain anything the child does. Sometimes even my dear husband asks me to explain Scout to him.

I really know only a slight amount more than anyone else at this point and so it's weird to be the "authority." While I spend all my days and nights with our sweet boy, he's only nine months old and I'm guessing almost as much as anyone else.

One thing that is also challenging for me is dealing with how people react to Scout's, um, selective nature when it comes to people outside of Mama and Daddy. Right now in particular, Scout is very discerning and takes time to warm up even with his grandparents. Christmas was challenging because of this - long awaited visits plus Scout's first Christmas combined with loud, large family gatherings equaled me finding myself making ridiculous excuses for my beloved son's behavior. "He doesn't feel well." "He's tired." "We need to get out more." Blech.

Then begin the comments. I try really hard to just let, "Oh, my first son was scared of everything like Scout is..." roll off me like so much water.

It's particularly frustrating because I really want to share Scout and watch him with other people, enjoy a moment of downtime. I know that Scout needs lots of people in his life, and I need that, too. I'm not supposed to be the only one he is held by or comforted by or put to sleep by. (C. obviously does some of this)

So when Scout's wailing because Uncle XYZ greeted that bambino with an especially booming voice and people are making comments all around me while I'm trying to get Scout to stop crying, I feel lonely in that way that one can only feel when surrounded by people.

I feel like no one understands that Scout is just a sensitive little guy, that this is a totally normal stage for some babies. That sometimes we expect WAY more of babies than we do of grownups. Can you imagine getting in some adult's face, repeating their name over and over in demonic baby talk, then grabbing their hand/cheek/foot, etc.? Jamais! Why is a baby out of order for minding?

Then, throw in the male baby card. Don't be a Mama's boy. Wus. Worse that I won't write. Despite the obvious advantages, sometimes I think that it's at the same time very hard to be a guy in our society. I will really have to be aware of the pressure on males to be manly and never show any weakness. I will need to be Scout's ally as he grows up in this respect.

Anyway, I probably think WAY too much about all this stuff. But that is my way and my life is all Scout all the time - it's the best job I've ever had and transformed my life irrevocably.

I know the intensity and magic of baby time is fleeting or try to remember it when I'm frustrated, tired or lamenting my utter lack of personal time. There will be time to read or bathe or go to a film later. And the irony is that when I have gotten out, after about two hours, I'm missing Scout and the few times when it was longer than 4 hours, I felt absolutely rotten and panicky.

I'll end with what the conversation heart I just ate said: Love him.